might as well
--
might as well write today instead of next year, after getting my literature degree, since I have so much to say and no one to listen. to actually listen.
might as well write whatever comes to my mind right away, since the most honest way is always the best way to live. and we both know how good am i at telling everyone exactly what they want to hear.
might as well write about “might as well”, the only thing that worked out for me, the only push that works to trick my dopamine-deficient brain into actually doing something. the thing is, things tend to be so much effort for my brain to actually do, so I have to come up with these little devices to survive on my own. i have learned to take care of myself so well, but I still end up finding ways to get myself hurt. sooner or later, i tend to get hurt. so, since i’m going to get hurt anyways,
might as well enjoy the ride. nobody can promise a life free of pain, regrets, or mistakes. the truth is that, no matter how hard i try, i will end up making mistakes. i spent most of my life being scared of making mistakes. and i made mistakes anyway, so that was time wasted. nothing changed my life as much as realizing that there is no such thing as a life free of regrets. but what i ended up regretting the most are the things i was too scared to do. so i realized that i can’t keep putting my life on hold in hopes of making as few mistakes as possible.
might as well allow myself to open to new experiences, new people, and new feelings. though i was so scared to be vulnerable, i had to face the fact that opening up is the only way to make meaningful connections and to have a chance of having someone see the actual me, even if i was scared of being hurt again.
might as well accept the risk of trying to let yourself love, knowing fully that you may end up breaking yourself. brace for the fall. fall madly, desperately, on a way like you never had.
hit the rocks at the bottom of the cliff and feel pain you didn’t know you were even capable of feeling. realize that you probably were right, you should have never opened up, put yourself on such a position, invest so much of your happiness on an uncertain position. but the pain doesn’t go away.
might as well face the fact that, little by little, you had included her on all the plans you had for the future, and now you don’t know where to go since she won’t ever go with you. feel a void inside of you inside which the love is trapped, unsure of where to go, just beating along this broken heart.
might as well try to distract yourself of the fact that you think of her every second, that no matter what app you open, you always end up looking at our chat, wondering over and over what should you have done differently. that in a parallel universe, i did everything right and this ended up actually working. but the overthinking and the regrets will never stop. realize that, no matter how hard you try, you cannot bring yourself to the point of hating her. realize that you love her so much, that you respect and support her choice, no matter how much it hurts. no matter how much it destroys you on the inside. understand that this was ultimately her choice and that no matter what you did, she has as much a word on this as you had. that is the risk you take when you let yourself go and allow yourself to fall head over heels. how can i get this pain to stop?
get so overwhelmed with the feeling that you might as well download all of your messages one night and listen to each and every one of them trying to figure out where did your heart stop belonging to you. you thought you were so smart, but you didn’t realize this would make your feelings hurt even more.
might as well try and write all i feel, all the frustration and pain, since no one is ever gonna read those lines anyways, even her. especially her. realize that she probably never read what you wrote to her the same way she did, and try to find closure on the fact that she never reached out. how could she forget too easily?
might as well keep living, knowing all too well that you will never stop loving her. that you will never love again. why bother? now you knew what love was all about. and you have had enough for a lifetime. but perhaps if you can see her being happy, you might as well be happy too. you don’t know for sure, but you might as well hope.
might as well hope.